Catapults, Freedom, and the Public Good

Posted: October 5, 2015 in Uncategorized
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In the ever-repeating story of catapult related violence a weary public is reacting with fear and grief.

“It’s understandable.” said Rocky Ballista, Executive Director of the NCA (The National Catapult Association), “When people feel scared they automatically want to assign blame to the most convenient target, forgive my pun. The most common knee-jerk reaction of late is to single out catapults as the problem. Everyone knows that catapults don’t kill people. People kill people. Blaming catapults for these terrible tragedies is just unfair.”

Catapults, developed by the ancient Greeks and Romans, hurl large objects great distances, generally during siege.

When asked if catapults don’t actually escalate violence Ballista replied, “The same madman could kill those people with a slingshot, if so motivated. If you want to lay siege to a building, a fortress, even an outdoor amphitheater, you’ll find a way. We need to get to the reasons the violence is committed in the first place.”

Responding to issues surrounding catapult laws that govern their sale, purchase and ownership, Ballista said,. “We don’t need to the change the catapult laws. We simply need to enforce the catapult laws we already have on the books.” The NCA officially opposes an further restrictions on catapults, citing 2nd Amendment rights to own and operate catapults. “It is our position that we would have safer communities if all of our citizens owned catapults. Imagine the deterrent effect if all of our citizens displayed their catapults in their front yards … with proper permits, of course.”

A young couple experiments with their own homemade catapult

A young couple experiments with their own homemade catapult

With intensifying gang activity involving catapult violence, drive by bombardments and mini-sieges, the public has become increasingly alarmed. “You can get a catapult almost anywhere,” said a teary Mable Drawstring, head of her neighborhood watch. “If you don’t buy them on the black market you get the plans on the net and make your own. My next door neighbors were making one in their back yard yesterday. They just don’t care how the rest of us feel.”

“Do you want the bad guys to be the only ones armed?” asked Ballista. “Look, regulating catapults is not going to make us a bit safer. Face it, when catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.”

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